Saturdays Are for Weddings: 22 Weeks

Weddings are supposed to be all about the fun little details, right? Well, no, weddings are *supposed* to be about the commitment of two people to one another. It sure seems like that "little" fact gets lost in the To Do Lists and the party planning and the sorting out of a hundred little decisions every time I turn around, though. For the most part, planning a wedding is fun, I guess. Until it's not. Until the first time in this whole process that I completely psych myself out.

I hate to disappoint people. It's a fundamental piece of who I am. I would rather "go without" or compromise my own preferences than to put someone else out. That may the core reason why I rarely entertain. Really, only those in my closest circle visit me where I live. People for whom I am certain I can provide and relaxing and enjoyable visit. People that are comfortable enough to walk over to my refrigerator for something to drink and not be offended if I don't catch their empty glass in time to do it myself. People who will take me seriously when I say "the snacks are here and here and here so please rifle through any time you're feeling munchy," because I mean it. I am a grazer and there is nothing worse than being a little hungry when you're in someone else's home and not being able to grab a snack when you need one.

I digress. Wedding planning. It has become startlingly obvious to me that attending a wedding comes with expectations on the part of the guests. And I am asking nearly *all* of our guests to do some traveling if they wish to attend. And now I am starting to put pressure on myself. What if the party I am capable of putting together falls short in their eyes? What if they travel all this way and feel...short-changed? I don't believe very many would ever reveal it to *me*...and that worries me too, because I may be disappointing people AND NOT EVEN BE AWARE and that right there is going to be the subject of several nightmares over the next five months, mark my words.

And, holy cow, this whole thing just really weighed me down this past week. Is it even normal for the "cold feet" to have nothing to do with the ceremony and everything to do with the reception?

The bottom line is that I have an exact vision of what I want, and it's enough for me. (And thankfully, T, who has just been the right amount of agreeable with what I say and offering opinions when he needs to.) But sometimes I pause and I wonder what everyone else is expecting, and if what is enough for me will come up short for them. And then I feel badly for thinking that this carefully selected group of people, people I love dearly, people who have seen me through some of my worst days, would be anything other than happy to celebrate this day for what it is.

See? I've done it. I've pysched myself out. Brains need off-switches.