five minutes with Theo Epstien.

i was ranting at with Pocklock this morning about the grave injustices taking place on our beloved baseball team in the overnight when she suggested a blog post. i already had the seedling planted, but her creative brilliance is responsible for the title and format. and so, without further delay, let's set the scene: elevator. lone occupant when i step on: one Theo Epstein, Red Sox GM. and... go.
--------------------------------------
listen, Epstein. Mike Lowell. now don't look at me like that. you knew we were going to start here.

so let me get something straight. we are trading him to Texas. for a minor league catcher. *and* we have to pick up a significant chunk of his salary. so you can clear the way for a *possible* Beltre acquisition? let me rephrase that. we could be shelling out somewhere around twenty million dollars to ditch a class act with a solid bat in favor of a dirt bag whose last great season was 2004, when he just so happened to be juiced. i'm sorry. the logic of that choice hasn't emerged for me yet. can you clarify it for me?

still waiting.

nothing to say?

let's move on. speaking of choosing dirt bags & other players for whom you have lusted ::cough::E6::cough:: over class acts, i have to say...you have some questionable taste in men. and i speak with authority on that topic from former life experience. i'm glad one of us learned the lesson. and even *I* wouldn't have made the Lugo mistake. you win.

and speaking of paying that salary for Texas to take Lowell. ya know, the Yankees may drop a lot of cash on payroll but you fly under the radar. you win the prize for signing the most payroll checks out to PLAYERS WE NO LONGER EVEN HAVE. WHAT GIVES? look, you've gone & made me all shouty. i'll let you explain yourself.

and i'm still waiting for the logic on that Lowell trade too. in case you thought i was distracted from it.

and while you're at it, you maybe ought to let Beltre know--*if* we (maybe) get him (just in case)--that if he thinks choosing #25 is a good idea, the cold shoulder i gave JD Drew for the better part of a season & a half for putting on that #7 jersey will pale in comparison to the contempt that will sear into your new 3B's back when the Sox come to Tampa. hell hath no fury & all that. i'm sure you've heard that one before.

i'm also wondering why we are spending so much energy on "unloading" a perfectly good player with whom we have no complaints, a clubhouse leader & a consummate professional, with one year left on his contract, who looked pretty darn good at "only" 75% last year, WHEN WE HAVE BIGGER ISSUES. like the troupe of traveling Ramon Ramirezes that void known as the bullpen. and perhaps a sixth starter since everyone knows there's no such thing as "too much pitching" and we have some guys in our rotation that have a first aid symbol hovering over their (much beloved) heads. oh and ummmm... NO LEFT FIELDER! (PayBay!!!) (sheesh. have we not gone over this for several months now?)

this just in: Sox acquire Boof Bonser. ok Theo. WHAT.THE.HELL. are you *trying* to kill me? for real. at least lay your cards out on the table. do you know how long i have howled with laughter over that guy's name?! now you are forcing me to root for him??

and another thing. can you just not make up your mind? Alex Gonzalez plays for the Red Sox. no he doesn't. wait...yes he does. nope. he's gone. really. so... let's kick the tires on this guy named Coco Crisp. he might fit in well in Boston. hmmm... seller's remorse much?? may i redirect your attention back to Point Number One. better known as Mike Lowell. who i hope rams his bat up your rear with his cleat every time Texas plays Boston. except that he won't, because he's a class act. he will, instead, quietly go about his business, hopefully having an All Star MVP season, and turning your stomach lining into an angry crater-surface of ulcers. so does that mean we can hope he'll be back in 2011? i'm confused how this works.

here's an aside for you: you know that Beltre is a Bora$$ client...so a) why would you want to deal with that tool yet again? and b) what makes you think you will get the player you so badly want when the anti-Christ is pulling all the strings? he was just waiting for you to shove Lowell out the door so that he can laugh maniacally as he sends Beltre to the Rangers or the Twins or...anywhere not Boston. kinda like he did last year? guy named Teixeira? ring any bells?

just so you know, i am really restraining myself from slapping you upside your perfectly-coiffed head about Lugo. you should know you scarred me for life with that one. i will forever flinch when the ball is hit to short. which reminds me: you are officially on The Lugo List now. just wanted to be clear about that.

i have to tell you, Theo. these decisions have left me scratching my head. they make no sense. have you suffered a blow to the noggin? are you being blackmailed? perhaps we should have *you* tested for various substances... because i am searching for a shred of sense in all this & i have to be honest, i'm coming up empty-handed. and you've been curiously (suspiciously?) mute.

i realize that Texas is being all coy & telling us "nothing is in stone yet" but i am onto you, Epstein. it doesn't have to be Texas. i know if that falls apart, you will just try somewhere else. the destination isn't important, the *departure* is what bothers me. i should give you fair warning though: if you send him to the Bronx, you should probably go into hiding, because you've already got me teetering close to the edge as it is.

well now. *that* was therapeutic. thanks for allowing me to give you a little piece of my mind. i'll let you get back to business now. but i'll be watching.