for safe keeping

last night, i was watching an episode of Men in Trees that i had recorded. the main character, Marin, is an author. after having the first chapter of the book she is currently working on published in The New Yorker, she was picked up by a publisher. circumstamces changed though & suddenly she found herself struggling to write the next chapter, so her publisher, Stuart, travelled from New York City, to see her in Elmo, Alaska, to tell her that what she had submitted was "fluff." the exchange between these characters made me think:

Stuart: What made that first chapter great was that it was messy, and... and complicated. Can I ask you something?

Marin: What made me think I was a writer in the first place?

Stuart: Why didn't you write about the messy stuff? What you were feeling?

Marin: Mostly, I was feeling lousy. It wouldn't have been a fun read.

Stuart: If I wanted fun, I would have commissioned a pop-up book.

it started me thinking about my blog. how it's changed since i started it. i used to write more from my heart, and over time, i see myself become more & more guarded. it's my reality. the way i have become more guarded in real life is accurately reflected in the way i blog. how it does little more than scratch the surface of my thoughts & feelings. like Marin, i see my writing has become "fluff." sometimes i miss the raw expression of what's inside my head...but most of the time, it just feels safer to keep it tucked out of sight.

later in that episode, Marin states: "It's not a walk in the park, putting it all out there, exposing how I feel again. It's scary."

i'm not sure why it's scary... but it is. like the character of Marin, i am messy & complicated, and more often that not, that's not a fun read. maybe one day it will be less scary... or i will start to feel less guarded enough that i'm willing to risk the vulnerability of sharing something more than just the "fluff"...