Friday, July 25, 2008

Public Service Announcement: July 25, 2008

this one is for the guys -- mostly because i am going to assume (dangerous territory, i know) that a girl would never say this to another girl:

i don't know the "man laws" on this but it is never* ok to say the following to a girl:
"wow, you look great since you put on some weight! you used to look like a starving Ethiopian when i first met you!"

1. in no way do you ever imply that a woman is gaining weight! i thought everyone knew this?! i mean even if you've never actually had a girl friend or a mother or any female contact, you've at least watched tv, right? where a guy says this in some form on a sitcom & then spends the rest of time trying to undo it?

2. for the record, let it be stated that i weigh exactly two pounds more than i did when you first met me. all my same clothes fit exactly the same way. my size has not changed. (and no, i am not in denial & trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit because i believe in being comfortable, thankyouverymuch.)

3. somehow this statement managed to be a double insult (which, unlike a double negative, does *not* cancel itself out) because not only have you told me i've put on weight but you have also told me i looked sickly & malnourished for years! i am so freaking tired of it being seen as insensitive to point out that someone is heavier than their ideal weight -- don't get me wrong, it *is* insensitive -- but that it's perfectly ok to make fun of, roll your eyes at, say negative things regarding, or otherwise ridicule someone for being thin. or to say things like "God, you are so skinny, you look sick" or "maybe if you had some meat on your bones, you wouldn't be cold." yes, i'm thin. i am very lucky to have been granted fantastic genes in that area. it is something i am extremely grateful for, especially having watched several friends struggle with maintaining their weight. but just because i am thin doesn't give anyone the right to supply their own snarky commentary about what my scale reads. for years, until my mid-twenties, i fought being *under* weight. i had to eat whether i felt like it or not. there was no skipping meals. and let me tell you how much fun that is, to not be feeling well or have a poor appetite for whatever reason, and have to force yourself to take in a minimum number of calories. people tell me they would love to have that problem, but let me assure you: it's not as great as it appears. and no, i didn't have an eating disorder -- i have always, as a rule, loved to eat a good meal! -- and no, i didn't appreciate being called a stick figure or an Ethiopian my entire childhood, into my early adult years. i still don't.

whew.
/rant.

just suffice to say, the safest way to say someone looks nice is to simply say it exactly like that (although if i work with you, i'd pretty much prefer you not notice at all, but that's a separate topic right there): "you look nice today." and the only appropriate way to bring up a woman's weight, if you must at all, is to say: "have you lost weight? because you look great." [edit to add: in the event that you know this is a goal someone is working toward & you want to appreciate their efforts. otherwise a simple "you look nice today" will do.]

*the only exception i can think of to "never" is if someone has been very ill and lost a terrible amount of weight & they have begun to put some back on as their health improves, but you better be certain that's the case. and even then, it might be more appropriate to say: "you're looking well recently & i am glad to see that."

13 with their own thoughts:

Redbeard76 Friday, July 25, 2008 1:06:00 PM  

Good to know. I don't think I've ever done that thankfully, other than to poke fun at waifish anorexic models on TV, and I say "eat a cheeseburger!", but never in person, that would be too mean.

Have a great weekend Dawn!

*krystyn* Friday, July 25, 2008 3:23:00 PM  

Wow! I can't believe someone said that to you. Rude! I'm glad you did the PSA - people need to know. Happy Friday!!

~**Dawn**~ Friday, July 25, 2008 3:34:00 PM  

Redbeard: There's a world of difference between saying it to your tv and right to someone's face. Especially when I have no problem eating a cheeseburger. I just hate being "punished" for something I can't help. ;-)

Krystyn: I think what really bugs me is that people just don't think before they speak. They don't think about how what they say could be hurtful, ya know? I don't mind when people say "Damn, I wish I had been blessed with your genes!" I know I am lucky! And that is not making it sound like I am "at fault" for being thin, as if I am offensive because I have a good metabolism. =/

Ted D Friday, July 25, 2008 9:28:00 PM  

Dawn, guys are idiots for the most part.

When I was in MA in May, my buddy Josh would yell at me "Eat a sandwich" about 10 times a day!

The guy probably meant well, but what can I say? He's like the rest of us; just a mouthbreather. ;)

J-Dawg's Realm Saturday, July 26, 2008 12:06:00 AM  

Yanno Dawn,
I am sitting here thumbing thru the "Man Laws" bible, and nowhere in here do I see anything about ALL men being complete morons and discussing women's weight...Oh wait, there is no bible, and I didnt say anything! LOL
Yes, some can be insensitive, but not ALL of us are :) There are still a couple of us good guys out there...and if you get a chance, can you bottle up some metabolism and ship it my way? THAT would be terrific mmmmmmmmmkay! THAAAAAAAAAAANKS! (one of many Office Space references)

J

Ingrid Saturday, July 26, 2008 12:30:00 AM  

It still blows me away that people (guys) say this. It should be burned into their DNA by now that it's a total no-no.

Debi Saturday, July 26, 2008 11:02:00 AM  

"have you lost weight? because you look great."...I don't think even that's such a great thing to say as it implies that said person had been too heavy before, and that the only way a person can look great is if they're at one particular size.

My jaw is still touching the floor in shock that someone could be so completely idiotic as to say something like that to you!

~**Dawn**~ Saturday, July 26, 2008 11:52:00 AM  

Ted: Which is why I considered this a Public Service Announcement. LOL!

J-Dawg: There are always exceptions to the rule. =) Thank you for being one.

Ingrid: I know! Seriously.

Debi: Exactly. Which is why I said "if you must at all" and I probably should have made a point to say "in the case of a woman you know has been working hard to do so." Which makes it more a credit to her efforts than a random observation. There is nothing wrong with saying a woman's outfit of choice looks flattering on her today -- but that is the best way to say it!

sue @ postcards from paradise falls Saturday, July 26, 2008 3:37:00 PM  

I have a slightly different theory on this, and I argue back and forth with my friends about it ALL THE TIME.

I don't EVER think it's okay to say, "Have you lost weight? You look great." To me, you're saying "You used to look like crap before. Thank goodness you did something about it."

People look good when they get a new pair of shoes... or a cute new haircut, etc.

I HATE that we focus so much on weight. My motto is that "the size of your heart is more important than the size of your jeans"... which tends to get shot down by the Weight Watchers fans on a regular basis.

Heather Saturday, July 26, 2008 4:13:00 PM  

well stated.
i myself am working on a part of me to :
stop complaining about my weight and do something about it even if that means just stating the facts that i need to lose a certain # of pounds and no thank you if someone pushes unhealthy food onto me
and
stop making comments to skinnier people b/c just b/c they are skinny and may not have to work to keep skinny like you stated some have to work hard to gain weight and be healthy.
thanks this has really helped me put things in perspective.

~**Dawn**~ Saturday, July 26, 2008 7:47:00 PM  

Holly Wood: Like I said to Debi just above, I should have clarified that I meant when you know someone has been working toward that specific goal & you can appreciate their efforts.

Heather: You have never made me feel bad. You have said the whole "I wish I were blessed with your & Alison's genes" but you've never made wiseass remarks about it, like it's our fault or something. =)

Rhea Saturday, July 26, 2008 9:42:00 PM  

ROFL What a bizarre way to compliment someone.

You look nice today. :o)

A Day in My Life Monday, July 28, 2008 12:14:00 AM  

I can't believe that someone would say that to you Dawn. I am on the heavier side of the spectrum and people, mostly women, will have the nerve to say, "Are you expecting?" People are better off like you said just saying you look nice than even going into the weight comments. I am 26 years old and men keep calling me ma'am in stores. I know that it is a respectful term but I would rather be called miss.

  © Blogger templates The Professional Template by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP