Public Service Announcement: July 25, 2008

this one is for the guys -- mostly because i am going to assume (dangerous territory, i know) that a girl would never say this to another girl:

i don't know the "man laws" on this but it is never* ok to say the following to a girl:
"wow, you look great since you put on some weight! you used to look like a starving Ethiopian when i first met you!"

1. in no way do you ever imply that a woman is gaining weight! i thought everyone knew this?! i mean even if you've never actually had a girl friend or a mother or any female contact, you've at least watched tv, right? where a guy says this in some form on a sitcom & then spends the rest of time trying to undo it?

2. for the record, let it be stated that i weigh exactly two pounds more than i did when you first met me. all my same clothes fit exactly the same way. my size has not changed. (and no, i am not in denial & trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit because i believe in being comfortable, thankyouverymuch.)

3. somehow this statement managed to be a double insult (which, unlike a double negative, does *not* cancel itself out) because not only have you told me i've put on weight but you have also told me i looked sickly & malnourished for years! i am so freaking tired of it being seen as insensitive to point out that someone is heavier than their ideal weight -- don't get me wrong, it *is* insensitive -- but that it's perfectly ok to make fun of, roll your eyes at, say negative things regarding, or otherwise ridicule someone for being thin. or to say things like "God, you are so skinny, you look sick" or "maybe if you had some meat on your bones, you wouldn't be cold." yes, i'm thin. i am very lucky to have been granted fantastic genes in that area. it is something i am extremely grateful for, especially having watched several friends struggle with maintaining their weight. but just because i am thin doesn't give anyone the right to supply their own snarky commentary about what my scale reads. for years, until my mid-twenties, i fought being *under* weight. i had to eat whether i felt like it or not. there was no skipping meals. and let me tell you how much fun that is, to not be feeling well or have a poor appetite for whatever reason, and have to force yourself to take in a minimum number of calories. people tell me they would love to have that problem, but let me assure you: it's not as great as it appears. and no, i didn't have an eating disorder -- i have always, as a rule, loved to eat a good meal! -- and no, i didn't appreciate being called a stick figure or an Ethiopian my entire childhood, into my early adult years. i still don't.

whew.
/rant.

just suffice to say, the safest way to say someone looks nice is to simply say it exactly like that (although if i work with you, i'd pretty much prefer you not notice at all, but that's a separate topic right there): "you look nice today." and the only appropriate way to bring up a woman's weight, if you must at all, is to say: "have you lost weight? because you look great." [edit to add: in the event that you know this is a goal someone is working toward & you want to appreciate their efforts. otherwise a simple "you look nice today" will do.]

*the only exception i can think of to "never" is if someone has been very ill and lost a terrible amount of weight & they have begun to put some back on as their health improves, but you better be certain that's the case. and even then, it might be more appropriate to say: "you're looking well recently & i am glad to see that."