This is how I feel.

In the short time that has passed between my annual Sox season end post and this one, something that can only can classified as a stunning turn of events has taken place, leaving with me with messy pile of emotions to sort through.

Disappointed - It was a lost season with a team that should have--could have--been so much better.

Heartbroken - For Pedey, who plays the game the right way. For Tito, who should never have been forced to feel he owed anyone in Boston an apology for anything, much less "failure," or that the only answer was to leave. For the real fans who truly care.

Betrayed - By some of the players I praised not three days ago, who have been arrogant, ugly and disrespectful, and whom I know look at with a suspicious eye, unsure of what I will learn next about yet another player I thought was worthy of loyalty.

Disgusted - By an ownership that is more interested in its collection of business investments and touting sell-out crowds than in supporting & maintaining what should be the crown jewel, not the after thought. An ownership not caring about the Red Sox until there is some bad press. An ownership that is shocked to learn of a troubling clubhouse culture TWO YEARS in the making. Not to mention an ownership so clearly out of touch with what the true fans find important.

Conflicted - How do I root for a team that has been intertwined in my personal history for three generations that I currently find deplorable. How to separate the good guys from the problem children. Howto remain loyal without condoning this kind of behavior. I wish I could boycott the Sox to drive home a point, but I suspect that will only hurt me.

Fed up - With being personally insulted by "fans" of other teams who not only openly admit that they don't start watching baseball until August, but are proud of it. Who feel fandom gives them free license to be mean, in the name of "friendly banter." This is not even something I can gain distance from by turning off the television or disconnecting from the internet, because the worst of the assault is coming from actual people I deal with face to face. Let me be the first to tell you, Rays fans and "fans" alike: Do not be so vain as to think this is about you. What I am feeling right now has NOTHING to do with you or your ball club, where you are right now or how you got there. It is turned completely inward. It has to do with the disillusionment and disenchantment that comes from loyalty to a team you love that is run by people who sicken you, who pander to the type of "fan" that any *true* fan cannot stand, whether they wear the colors of your biggest rival, a team you only really think about when your schedules cross one another, or--the very worst of all--embarrass you by pretending to be one of you, sporting the same logos but nowhere near the same heart, and a team that fields self-absorbed, entitled cry babies intermingled with players who deserve the cheers & support of their fanbase now more than ever, for continuing to play the game the right way, to the bitter end, despite the terrible attitude creeping like a virus through the clubhouse.

I don't know what fixes this. I don't know where the healing comes from. I...just don't know.