Action Series: March 19, 2010

Realizing.

The last few years have taught me many things. Some, I suppose, I already knew, but needed to relearn. When you've forgotten something for so long, though, being struck with the realization still feels new, somehow. Anyway, suffice to say that I discovered and rediscovered so much about myself that had been lost, shuffled, neglected or left unnoticed for a long time.

I finally understood just *how* going to church truly benefits *me*, how it makes me a better person, one that I like and respect. I began to see myself as a worthwhile person, someone worth knowing, someone who deserved to be respected. I discovered my own sense of confidence, and a voice to ask for what I need. Or want. Or expect. I learned how to master the art of compromise, so that both parties find common ground, without it translating into compromising myself, again and again. I have seen that all the little things that made you fall short in the eyes of the wrong person are the very same little things that make you perfect for the right one.

I learned a lot of self-taught, hard-earned life lessons. And I realized, fairly recently, actually, that I kinda really like me. Not in an egotistical, self-absorbed way. But rather that I feel genuine and stable and happy, way down deep in my very core, at last. At long last.

I've finally dropped so much insecurity and come to the conclusion that not everyone will like me. Not everyone will respectfully disagree (respectfully being the operative word there) with me. Not everyone has something nice to say. And you know what? Who cares? I get to say who I share my time with. I get to determine the qualities that are deal-breakers, the actions I won't tolerate, and how I expect to be treated. And if someone values me so little that they would rather treat me in a hurtful way, then they don't need to clutter up my life with their negativity and toxicity.

For the longest time, I didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think it was ok to say "please don't treat me that way." I didn't want to risk hurting the feelings of...who? People who thought it was acceptable to hurt mine, intentionally and repeatedly?

I've realized. I've realized that I *am* worth it. That I do deserve to be treated well. That I cannot compromise in areas which hold immense value to me, and that anyone who would expect me to is not the right person to be in my life.

Realizing. Like a light coming on somewhere deep inside me. And with that realization comes a peace and a lightness, a feeling of deep contentment and positivity I had all but thought couldn't exist, from the other side of a dark tangle of uncertainty and self-doubt.

But now, now I see.

--------------------------------------------
When I was contemplating the framework for The Broken Road, Version 2010, I decided to challenge myself with approaching my posts from a couple of new angles. Monday's Stream of Consciousness theme was one; Friday's "Action Series" was another. I created a long list of action words (I am open to suggestions if anyone has any!) and my plan was to choose one each week & see where my thoughts took me. I honestly have no idea how this will play out--maybe I'll hate it, maybe it will be a raging success, maybe it will flop--but I'm going to give it my best shot & see what happens with it.