while she lay sleeping

Monday night, Jon Lester left the game after seven innings with a 2-0 lead. in the eighth inning, the Angels tied the game. after two late West Coast games during the week, and a five-hour-nineteen-minute twelve-inning loss the night before, i was almost delirious. even pacing was no longer effective at keeping me awake. so when the Angels plated those two runs, i had visions of another drawn out extra innings affair. and i cracked. i was no longer enjoying something i live for all Spring & Summer. i turned off my tv & crawled into bed, knowing that whatever would be, would have to be without my pacing & one-sided dialogue with the television.

don't get me wrong. it's not that i gave up or no longer cared. i gave my attention for all but a handful of the 162 games the Sox played in 2008. there is no questioning my team loyalty. and i actually had confidence in a Sox victory on a Lester start night. my giving up was purely physiological. my eyes literally were unable to stay open.

and so it came to pass that when three Red Sox--players not even on the opening day roster: Bay, Kotsay & Lowrie--orchestrated a vintage Sox walkoff victory, i was already peacefully asleep for an inning & a half. i dreamt of a Josh Beckett we haven't witnessed since this time last season. and i awoke to a replay on ESPN of Jason Bay sliding home on a Jed Lowrie single, followed by the two players being engulfed by a sea of celebratory teammates. let me tell you, it was just as exhilirating the morning after, based on the benefit of having experienced the thrill of a hard-fought win in the past.

i love my boys. i look forward to each game with anticipation. i spend the long long Winter counting down the days until they begin stretching their limbs & playing catch in the Florida sunshine in preparation for a new season. and i breathe Red Sox for six months of each year, seven if i am so lucky. but every so often i need to bid them good night, trusting that i will open my eyes to a final score in their favor. i fell asleep Monday night, wearing my Sox t-shirt and the Red Sox Nation bracelet still on my wrist.

now we march forward into my worst nightmare: win-or-go-home ball against my personal nemesis. many of you will feel disappointment if things do not go well in the dimly lit Juice Box, but few of you will have to face the aftermath on your tv, on your radio, from your co-workers (many of whom hadn't ever watched an inning of baseball prior to May of this year), day after day. it is an added element to my fear. for me... there would be no escape from the gloating over the "loyal fanbase" of Maddon's retro glasses; the abomination of all unholy matings of a mascot; that infernal cowbell; the foolish Ray-hawk (oh yes, it DOES have a name); and names like BJ Upton, Carl Crawford, Dioner Navarro, Akinori Iwamura, Jonny Gomes and Evan Longoria. it would be my personal hell realized.

in an effort to be a reformed Sox fan after 2004 and 2007, i will simply remind myself of the positives: that the Rays have not yet faced October Sox, a different breed, a more fierce competitor. one with experience at this time of year. one with a starting pitcher who has yet to surrender an earned run to an Autumn opponent. when the doubts about this matchup creep in, i remind myself of what the 2004 Red Sox taught me:


also? i expect to have methods of heavy sedation close at hand. just in case my mind needs numbing. i may be glassy-eyed on my couch, but i only allow myself one night of tuning out before the final out is recorded.

three wins accomplished. eight more to go. eyes on the prize.
GO SOX!